suicidal thoughts are lowkey so funny bc like theres so much fun to be had in life, so much joy with friends, in hobbies, in sport
and yet, the thoughts of ending it all don’t stop. its so illogical! makes no sense! i should be happy! i have people around me that i love, im able to live a privileged life with freedoms that so many would kill for

so why? why can i always feel the Wave nearby, pervading the edges of my sense to the point of insanity!?! why do i never stop thinking of dying after every loss, every setback, every rejection?? its actually insanity??

i hate living like this!!! this sucks!!! i dont want to keep living with this perpetual emptiness in my heart!! i want to be happy!! i want to feel fulfilled!!! i wish that life would stop blue-balling me from being happy!! it feels so bad!! everyday i wake up so tired!! everynight i struggle to sleep from all the Thinking and Thoughts!!!

i’m exhausted!!!!! there’s a constant tension in my body mind and soul that i cant get rid of!!! and everytime im close to release (heh pause.) something happens to kick me back into the hole!!! this sucks!!!

despite how much my brain wants to die and be done!! i will live on!!! i want to live in spite of all the synapses in my brain telling me to let go of everything!!! theres beauty in fighting to live everyday!!! and i am beautiful!!! everyone is beautiful!!!

there are people i hate tho!!! the people that dont treat others with the respect they deserve!! because everyone deserves respect!! until they forfeit it by not respecting others!!! life’s too short and too hard and sucks too much to be a negative nancy! be a positive perry!! i try to live my life doing the right thing! i try to live my life being nice and accomodating!!! in eventual hopes that people in my life will reciprocate!! and when they don’t i get so sad!! because why??? it cant be that hard to treat me with human decency!! please!!!!

so many things have happened in my life to knock me down!! yet im still here standing!! i fought in the prison of my own mind to stay alive everyday for years!! and you know what the weirdest thing is??? it never gets any easier!!! everyday i wake up and its the same pain!! everything i go through some adversarial event!!! it hurts all the same!! but you know what helps!?!?! its the same pain!! ive lived through this before!! i can live through this now!! i can do it because ive done it before!! and if i cant do it anymore, then maybe ill finally get some rest!!

all i do is try my best!!!